One year. Over a year since I last felt her. Over a year since she was ALIVE. Sometimes I cannot believe it has been so long and other times I can't believe it has only been a year. 365 days. If I want to get exact I have a counter on my phone that I look at everyday with exactly how long since her body left my womb. 364 days 13hours 52minutes and 43 seconds ago. Thats 8,749 hours. Or 524,993 minutes. 31,499,626 seconds. The only thing that doesn't stop is that time. The difference just keeps getting bigger. The space between her and I's physical encounter keeps running further and further away.
My daughters short life has taught me so much about the way I perceive things, the way I handle things, and the way I go about things. Her death has brought me so close to some and has yet pushed me so far away from others. You really can learn in the darkest of days who is really there for you and who isn't. Friends I thought would be there forever have faded into just memories. I wouldn't change the way some of my friendships have ended as I realized some may have been toxic anyways. Some of my closest friends that I've met after Gia are other mama's whose babies had the same fate as mine. We call ourselves survivors, angel moms, grieving mothers. We all share this bond that no one can understand. No one unless you too have lost your child. I hope that no one that I know will ever share this bond with me. However I'm so grateful to find the ones I did. They are my rocks. I always like to think our babies have somehow connected us to each other.
Looking back right when I heard the words that told me my baby wasn't coming home like everyone else. I felt so alone. How could this have happened to me? After I had to finally let go and say goodbye to all my hopes and dreams for my child and also the physical body of Gia I was desperate. Desperate to find someone like me. Desperate to find as many as I could in my shoes. Desperate to talk about her. I needed to hear other women's story's. I needed to know that I wasn't completely isolated. I needed to know that everything I was feeling was normal. I needed reassurance from women that were further along in this grief journey to tell me it's going to get easier. The pain isn't always as raw as it is now. YOU WILL STOP CRYING EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERYDAY. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN SOMEDAY. I needed a support system beyond the people in my life who had no idea what it felt like to lose a child. I became obsessed with trying to find that. I stumbled onto a bunch of facebook groups, sharing my story wherever I could and reading as many as I could. I put my story on www.facesofloss.com and met a lot of amazing mamas. Some lost their baby's way earlier than I lost G, some way after birth and some around the same time. No matter how they lost their child one thing was for sure, I knew her pain. I knew what she was going through. I knew what it was like to be missing one.
Somehow a lady in the town below mine found my story, I think on faces of loss. She e-mailed me and told me about the SHARE support group that happens EVERY month NO MATTER WHAT. I was beyond thrilled but so scared to take that step. I went and haven't looked back since. The women there have been my biggest support, encouragement and glimpse into what my future could be like. All the women at the time I started were years out from their loss. It was refreshing to see these women with more children, to see that they have been able to push forward with their lives while keeping their baby's so close to their hearts.
In the early days of loss you really don't think there is any possible way to survive this and come out alive. I couldn't eat for months. I couldn't sleep either. I was so tired but I was SO scared to fall asleep. Almost as if sleep was to peaceful for me to be there. I needed to be aware. Aware of this tragedy that was laid out in front of me. Now a year later I would not ever call it a tragedy. I can finally smile when I look back on things with her. I would have never changed anything that happened and I wouldn't have done anything differently. Her life was beautiful, she is beautiful. All Gia ever knew was love. She knew all my love. She is my daughter and this is all I have of her. I treasure whatever I can get my hands on or my thoughts in with her, for her.
I can remember hearing this quote that was something like "it doesn't get easier after you lose a child things just get different." and I have to disagree. The pain DOES get easier. YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS AGAIN. Things are always going to be different than they were before but would anyone that has experienced such loss ever want to be the same person they walked into it as? I know I wouldn't. I see everything different now. Some things in a new light, and some things may be tougher now.
The best advice I can give to someone who is newly grieving the loss of their child is you will make it out. You will survive and make it out better than you ever thought you would. Honor your baby in every way that you can and the more you talk about your child the easier it gets to talk about them. Hang up your baby's pictures in your house. They are your child. I know it's so hard to look at them at first but I promise it does get easier. It becomes NORMAL to see them everyday and then after a time you start to realize that if they were ever taken down THAT would be harder than them being up. Sometimes your mind tries to shield you from pain. Sometimes you need to stand up to it and tell yourself that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS. You can and you will do this, and just like that with a little bit of time it will happen.
Happy 1st birthday to the first love of my life. My precious baby, there's not a day that goes by that mama doesn't talk about you, think about you and love you.
Keep your mama and your nana feeling at peace today and watch over your little brother Gia. We love you!!!!
My daughters short life has taught me so much about the way I perceive things, the way I handle things, and the way I go about things. Her death has brought me so close to some and has yet pushed me so far away from others. You really can learn in the darkest of days who is really there for you and who isn't. Friends I thought would be there forever have faded into just memories. I wouldn't change the way some of my friendships have ended as I realized some may have been toxic anyways. Some of my closest friends that I've met after Gia are other mama's whose babies had the same fate as mine. We call ourselves survivors, angel moms, grieving mothers. We all share this bond that no one can understand. No one unless you too have lost your child. I hope that no one that I know will ever share this bond with me. However I'm so grateful to find the ones I did. They are my rocks. I always like to think our babies have somehow connected us to each other.
Looking back right when I heard the words that told me my baby wasn't coming home like everyone else. I felt so alone. How could this have happened to me? After I had to finally let go and say goodbye to all my hopes and dreams for my child and also the physical body of Gia I was desperate. Desperate to find someone like me. Desperate to find as many as I could in my shoes. Desperate to talk about her. I needed to hear other women's story's. I needed to know that I wasn't completely isolated. I needed to know that everything I was feeling was normal. I needed reassurance from women that were further along in this grief journey to tell me it's going to get easier. The pain isn't always as raw as it is now. YOU WILL STOP CRYING EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY HOUR OF EVERYDAY. YOU WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN SOMEDAY. I needed a support system beyond the people in my life who had no idea what it felt like to lose a child. I became obsessed with trying to find that. I stumbled onto a bunch of facebook groups, sharing my story wherever I could and reading as many as I could. I put my story on www.facesofloss.com and met a lot of amazing mamas. Some lost their baby's way earlier than I lost G, some way after birth and some around the same time. No matter how they lost their child one thing was for sure, I knew her pain. I knew what she was going through. I knew what it was like to be missing one.
Somehow a lady in the town below mine found my story, I think on faces of loss. She e-mailed me and told me about the SHARE support group that happens EVERY month NO MATTER WHAT. I was beyond thrilled but so scared to take that step. I went and haven't looked back since. The women there have been my biggest support, encouragement and glimpse into what my future could be like. All the women at the time I started were years out from their loss. It was refreshing to see these women with more children, to see that they have been able to push forward with their lives while keeping their baby's so close to their hearts.
In the early days of loss you really don't think there is any possible way to survive this and come out alive. I couldn't eat for months. I couldn't sleep either. I was so tired but I was SO scared to fall asleep. Almost as if sleep was to peaceful for me to be there. I needed to be aware. Aware of this tragedy that was laid out in front of me. Now a year later I would not ever call it a tragedy. I can finally smile when I look back on things with her. I would have never changed anything that happened and I wouldn't have done anything differently. Her life was beautiful, she is beautiful. All Gia ever knew was love. She knew all my love. She is my daughter and this is all I have of her. I treasure whatever I can get my hands on or my thoughts in with her, for her.
I can remember hearing this quote that was something like "it doesn't get easier after you lose a child things just get different." and I have to disagree. The pain DOES get easier. YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS AGAIN. Things are always going to be different than they were before but would anyone that has experienced such loss ever want to be the same person they walked into it as? I know I wouldn't. I see everything different now. Some things in a new light, and some things may be tougher now.
The best advice I can give to someone who is newly grieving the loss of their child is you will make it out. You will survive and make it out better than you ever thought you would. Honor your baby in every way that you can and the more you talk about your child the easier it gets to talk about them. Hang up your baby's pictures in your house. They are your child. I know it's so hard to look at them at first but I promise it does get easier. It becomes NORMAL to see them everyday and then after a time you start to realize that if they were ever taken down THAT would be harder than them being up. Sometimes your mind tries to shield you from pain. Sometimes you need to stand up to it and tell yourself that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE THIS. You can and you will do this, and just like that with a little bit of time it will happen.
Happy 1st birthday to the first love of my life. My precious baby, there's not a day that goes by that mama doesn't talk about you, think about you and love you.
Keep your mama and your nana feeling at peace today and watch over your little brother Gia. We love you!!!!
