Two years already! It seems like just yesterday but then in the same blink it seems like an eternity. It feel's like it has to be further away than two years! The anxiety leading up to today was out of this world. It always seems to be the day's leading up to this day are a lot harder than this day is. There is an overwhelming calm today despite my hurting heart. Last night, at a support group meeting, I discovered I can no longer remember my days post birth. What did I do to occupy my time during the time I was deep in grief? It seems so foggy, so foggy that I literally cannot remember. Some women are very fresh in their losses at the group I go to, and hearing them talk takes me back to that time frame but in my mind it is blank. I am aware that your brain blocks things out to save your soul from the constant pain and flashbacks etc. but I want to go back to that place when I feel the need to go back to that place. Unfortunately, we do not get to go back and then also block it out when we want to. When you get pregnant after a loss your world has to shift from your loss to the baby inside of you. You worry every second of every day the whole entire pregnancy. It is nearly impossible to grieve while worrying so much about your live baby inside your womb. Then one day (November 9th to be exact) he was here. My rainbow baby. My live baby. Anyone that has a baby knows you don't even have time to shower most days. When was I going to have time to sit and reflect in my head on the grief of my stillborn daughter? I have an enormous guilt that rides on my shoulders basically everyday that I do not make enough time to grieve my precious first born. Having a baby after you have a loss changes everything so much. It is so
healing for your heart to have this soul to love and that loves you, to
nourish a baby from your body, to be able to physically touch your
baby. It is
normal to escape that deep sadness. It is very hard for me to relate to women that are still there with no life after loss because for me my grief
completely changed when I had Brody. My grief has lessened a great deal
and my guilt has heightened. I am so happy to have my son, and I have
guilt for feeling happier than I ever thought that I would be able to
when I was deep in grief. As I look at my rainbow baby, I know that I am so beyond blessed to have him in my life.
I can no longer imagine having Gia here with me, and I can not imagine not having Brody (and Tate of course). I am at peace with the fact that Gia was not meant for this earth, but that does not change that fact that I miss her soul deeply. I will always have this constant yearning for my baby girl.
Today, I am going to take some time to reflect on Gia. I want to open up those wounds that have been masked by time and new life. I plan to go through a lot of her stuff today, read through my journal that I wrote in those first day's and months, read cards people sent me and go through her unedited and raw pictures of that day. I am hoping going through this stuff will really help my mind ease into those days and get a grasp of the pain that Gia left behind when she left this place.
Today that is what will heal my heart. Happy 2nd Birthday baby girl!!! Your family loves you so much.
***My love will find you, wherever you are.***
